When you are in love with someone, you never imagine your life with anyone else. For most of our relationship, I saw myself getting married, having kids, and just growing old with my ex-boyfriend. It was actually when I stopped imagining a future with him that I knew something was wrong. That’s the moment I knew our relationship was coming to an end.
When I was younger I had boyfriends, but had never had to go through an actual heart break. I was young and the four or so “relationships” I had, literally would last a month and/or even less. I was the type of person who would run away from commitment. When I sensed things getting serious or I sensed them trying to become more intimate with me, I would break up with them or just kinda stop talking to them. I don’t think I actually broke up with 2 of them lmao. The closest thing I had to experiencing heart break was when I fell in love with my best friend senior year and things didn’t go as planned. But even then I hadn’t let myself fall for him completely, because I was scared.
I vaguely remember the day that I met my ex-boyfriend. We were at a mutual friend’s house and I think we had a small conversation, but that’s all I can remember. I knew of him because we had gone to middle school and high school together, but we never really crossed paths until then. Months later he added me on Facebook and messaged me. At that point in my life I was not thinking about pursing anything serious with anyone. We started hanging out often. I started bringing him around my friends.
We spent five years together. Out of those five years, we lived together for four. He was my person. He was my best friend. I let my guard down and begin to embrace the love. My friends and I always joke around that I was emotionless but as soon as he came into my life, I fell in love and all of a sudden I felt every single emotion and ultimately became too emotional lol. The five years we spent together were full of great memories. We both saw each other at our worst and best. We ultimately helped each other grow. I do not regret anything.
Somewhere during the relationship, we lost our way. We had tried for a while to make it work and it just was not happening. We were lying to ourselves to be honest. We both changed and I didn’t feel the way I use to anymore. Of course I still loved him and probably will always love him, but I was not IN love anymore. And I can sense him feeling the same way. He grew more distant and little by little started pushing me away
In the back of my head, I knew I still loved him, but I was not IN love anymore. I could also sense him feeling the same way. He had grown more distant, and little by little pushed me away. Neither one of us can say we didn’t see it coming. Towards the end, we even decided to break our lease and move apart to see if distance would give us a push towards making it work, but it didn’t help.
Break ups are never “good” in any way, but I would like to think ours was as good as it could be. I had never really broken up with someone, so I didn’t know what to say. I remember talking with my best friend, Alejandra, and telling her I was just going to recite the Say Goodbye song by Chris Brown because a lot of the lyrics said exactly what I was feeling lol. I essentially broke up with him, but I always say we broke up with each other. I can tell he was thinking about it too, but knowing him the way I do, he would never have been able to do it himself for risk of hurting me even more. So I had to do it or else we would remain stuck in a relationship we both didn’t want to be in anymore.
After we broke up, I thought I was okay. Of course I was sad, but it had ended well. It was what we both wanted and needed to do. And so I didn’t think about the break up much. I kept busy with friends. I started drinking more than I used to, which led to bad decisions. I guess you can say I trying to live the “single life.” I mean I had just ended a 5 year relationship, but to be honest, all I wanted was someone there for me when I was feeling alone so I wouldn’t think about my ex.
A few months into the break up, I was at work one day and my coworker wasn’t there so I was all alone in our office. I opened my drawer and accidentally dropped some pictures I had in there. The pictures were of my ex and I together that I had taken down from by bulletin board at work. Boom. The flood gates opened. I instantly started to cry. I realized in that moment that I had been numbing myself. Up until then I had avoided feeling the heart break, but I guess it was time. Even if it was happening at a totally inappropriate time. The next few days, I started thinking more and more about it and just dug myself into a hole. I never imagined heartbreak would physically hurt. There were days where I could not even get out of bed. I felt sick to my stomach.
I finally had that long awaited ‘big meltdown’. I realized I was not okay in any way. I remember vividly the day I lost it. I had just gotten home from the gym and I was actually feeling pretty good. Then I got into bed, but I couldn’t sleep. So naturally, all these late night thoughts just hit me. It was probably one of the worst lows in my life.
Why did he push me away? What if I tried harder? What if I did things differently? Was I the issue? Was something wrong with me?
I was hurting. I didn’t want to feel that pain anymore. I had a lot of other things going on in my life at the moment besides the break up, that I even started thinking about it being easier just not to exist. I only thought about it for a split second, but it was one of the scariest feelings. That thought had never, EVER crossed my mind. I knew I was not okay. It was now 2AM and felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. Ultimately, I ended up at my ex’s house, the only person who knew me better than I knew myself.
I know my best friends are going to probably yell at me after reading this for not talking to them about exactly what was going through my mind. But going to see my ex was honestly one of the best decisions I had made in a while. He made me realize a lot of things. He was going through the same thing. That night, we talked, laughed, and cried together. One thing that stuck with me was when he said I kept thinking about the good memories, but that I had to remind myself about the bad times too and how they made me feel back then.
After that night, things got better. Obviously I still cried from time to time, but never did I feel like that night. Oh, and I am sure I am going to have other nights in the future where I think about everything again and cry. But for now, I have had a lot of better days.
Towards the end of my relationship, I lost my self-confidence. I felt unwanted, both physically and emotionally. I know he did not mean to make me feel this way, it was just the part of the process of growing apart, but it still hurt. Our relationship taught me a lot of things. For one, I realized that there is a lot of stuff about myself that I need to work on. It might sound cliche but I need to learn to love myself before I love anyone else.
The reason I chose to write this post was not to appease everyone’s nosy, meddlesome questions. But it was so I can finish writing this chapter in my life and move on to writing the rest of my book. It is time to finally stop thinking of what was and start thinking of what is and what will be.
I am forever grateful to have experienced 5 years with an amazing person.I am also eternally grateful for all the amazing people I met through him that I now consider my friends as well. And to my ex-boyfriend, who I know for damn sure is reading this lol, please know that you are one of the good ones. Any girl would be lucky to have you in their life. I really hope one day you can see how much potential for greatness you possess. You are going far in life and I am happy and thankful to have been part of your journey. Thank you for being part of my journey as well. You taught me a lot of things about myself, good and bad, and I will continue to use that information to grow. I will always care for you and you will always have part of my heart. <3
“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
–Marilyn Monroe
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