First, I would like to thank everyone who reached out to me after my first couple of posts. I was initially so afraid to write about anything because I felt like people would treat me differently. I felt like people would pity my situation or experiences, or that I would be looked at as weak for writing what I felt. But it was quite the opposite. So many people wrote to me and shared their own stories about staying in relationships longer than they should have or about other stuff that they had to go through like I did. All the messages were of support, not pity. Forever grateful for each message and all the love I received.
If we are being honest here, even though I appreciate everything that was said to me, the positive reaction actually became quite overwhelming. When I saw the count of how many people had viewed my page, I freaked. That reaction was one of the biggest reasons why I hesitated writing something again. I had turned from a person who kept a lot of things to herself into someone who wrote her deep personal thoughts on the internet for everyone to see. It was a change I needed to get used to because writing is my outlet. I hope by sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences that I can help some of you.
But anyways, here we are now. It has been about a year and seven months since the last post I wrote. Every few days I thought about just sitting down and finally writing something, but before coming up with something to write about - I would think of an excuse of why I should NOT write...You might ask: “Why write now?” or “What changed? ” Well, the answer is easy. I kind of ran out of excuses lol.
So what have I been up to? Well you know, still dealing with emotions in an unhealthy way and making poor life decisions, the usual. But hey, acceptance is the first step to recovery right? Haha. Even though I kick myself a lot for not doing a lot of things in my life, I don’t regret anything that I have done. I am a strong believer that I am where I am meant to be and that things happen for a reason.
So Yadira, how’s the love life? There hasn’t been any significant progress in that department. I have yet to find my Principe Azul. I am actually still kind of scared to date lol. I swipe right on bumble, but I’m too scared to write to any matches. This doesn’t mean I haven’t tried make a move on a boy. These past few months I was actually really into a guy. He is one of those guys that just has a way with words. And even though you know the truth behind the things he says, you can’t stop yourself from being enticed by him. I debated what exactly to write about the whole situation. I could easily blame him or myself for a lot of things, but ultimately, shit happens for reason. Essentially this experience got my head back in the game when it came to liking guys. Even if it meant not knowing if they ACTUALLY liked me back orrrr if it was all talk. For the first time since my ex, I actually had feelings for someone. I guess you can say that even though nothing super significant, like getting engaged, happened in my life, I have at least managed to take smalls steps towards being ready to date again. I am now more open for something real to happen. To me, that in itself is significant enough and most definitely progress.
Now, what about your career? If you were to ask my younger self where I would be when I was 26, the answer would probably not be close to where I am now that I am actually 26. In a perfect world, I would be done with law school and working in a civil rights or immigration law firm, using my personal experience and knowledge to help others. I would also probably be volunteering with the ACLU. The reality though is that I haven’t even started law school. I am too terrified to actually sit down and study for the entrance exam. But this year, that’s changing. I want to be terrified. I want to take the next step. I don’t want to be one of those people who stay stuck or one of those people who end up hating their jobs and treat others like shit because of their own resentment or regrets. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE my job. I just feel like I need to advance to the next stage of my life. Even though I am not where I thought I would be, I do think I have done well for myself. But it is time to do better.
Overall, there definitely has been growth within. I have actually made some tough decisions that needed to be made. Not sure if I made the right ones yet but at least I made them and didn’t run the opposite way when things got tough. My faith in myself, god, and others has faded these past few years with everything that I have gone through. But recently, I have discovered that it is not gone. I still have hope. This new decade is for me to reinvent myself. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am ready for you 2020. I haven’t found my purpose, but I am definitely still searching.
“I am trying to find myself in this world. I am stuck in a journey of life.”
- Leon Brahma
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